I am an alcoholic. I've been an alcoholic since I can't even remember when. Probably somewhere around my senior year of high school. I remember that summer between Junior and Senior year, we used to drink every day. I don't even remember how we got the booze, but we did. A good friend of mine bet me that I couldn't go a week without drinking. So I did. I don't remember it being difficult, but I remember the fact that he thought I had a problem. I guess that should have been a sign for me 20 years ago.
I remember partying through senior year, going to class drunk. Cutting class to drink. And the worst, driving my friends around after I had been drinking. I can't even begin to thank God enough that I never killed anyone. I still shake my head at how stupid I was and what could have possibly happened.
Over the next 20 years, I pretty much drank off and on. I'd go through periods of not drinking. When I say periods of not drinking, I mean a week here or there. Booze has always been part of my life. Every weekend, we'd go down to the bar. Every weekend I'd get hammered. Every night at home during the week, I'd have at least a couple of beers.
I did quit for a while. I guess I shouldn't say I quit. I stopped for a while. For 10 months. While I was pregnant with little man. That was the easiest 10 months of my life. It was amazing how I didn't even want to drink. I had absolutely no desire for it at all. Although I did have a small glass of wine when I was about 7+ months pregnant. Hubby and I went out to dinner with a client of his. The client (who was an ass by the way), ordered a $250 bottle of wine. WTF?! At least we weren't paying for it. Hubby's company was. Nonetheless, I had a small glass so I could at least taste something so expensive. I don't even remember if it was good or not.
After little man was born, I drank a off and on. I don't remember it being a problem, I don't remember getting hammered every night. I do remember that I was drinking.
This last year has been the worst. Every night. Every night it was at least 3 or 4 beers, or most of a bottle of wine. Every. Day. Weekends were even worse. I'd start drinking around 3 in the afternoon until I passed out at night.
I promised I would stop drinking. I told Hubby that I would manage it. It would stop here. And I did. I went 34 days sober. And then I had a beer. And a glass of champagne. And a glass of wine. And another glass of wine. And another beer. All in the same night.
I stopped again for a couple weeks. Every day was hard. Every day I thought about drinking. It was all I could do to get through the day. I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to be the kind of person who could go out to dinner and have a glass of wine and leave it at that. Now I know I was just fooling myself. A normal person doesn't have to think like that. But the alcoholic in me keeps trying to rationalize why I should still drink. And to still keep making up excuses on why it's ok. And to keep looking for opportunities to drink.
I started drinking at home again. It started with a glass of wine. And I'd leave the bottle on the counter for a couple days and then have another glass. Hubby started traveling again. He would be gone for a few days, and the recycling would be getting picked up while he was gone. He wouldn't know I was drinking and he wouldn't see the empty bottles in the trash. And I made it ok. And I felt normal again. And I didn't have to fight the demons, I could just do what I wanted.
Unfortunately, now I need it again. I need to drink. I need to unwind. I need to relax. I need to drink to do that. I need to get sober. I need AA.
What began 20+ years ago, has now cumulated me to seek help. I thought I could quit on my own. I'm an alcoholic and I can't do it on my own. I went to my first meeting last night. And I'm going to another one tonight....
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Palm Springs, Pat, Matt, & the Perfect Day
Last weekend, I flew down to Palm Springs to meet hubby for a concert. I shouldn’t even call it a concert. It was more like a private show for ~150 people. And we were part of it.
About two weeks ago, I read a bulletin on my MySpace announcing a show in Palm Springs featuring Pat Monahan, Mandy Moore, Emmerson Hart (from Tonic), Dolores O’Riordan (from The Cranberries), and Matt Nathanson. Not only am I a HUGE Pat Monahan fan, but we’re friends with Matt Nathanson. How awesome was that?! And for only $60 it was a meet-and-greet! What?!?!? For $60 I can meet Pat Monahan?! Holy crap!
That following Saturday, I promptly got on the phone to get my tickets that went on sale at 8:00am. When I called though, they said they weren’t going on sale until 10:00. So of course I called back 2 minutes later to make sure. Then I started calling again at 10:00. They still didn’t have the box office open and they wanted to take my name and number and they would call me back. Huh? That’s when I think I started to sweat. I thought for sure I was going to miss out on the tickets. But sure enough, they called me back, and I was able to get 2 of the 45 VIP meet-and-greet tickets!!!
I left Saturday morning to meet hubby in Palm Springs. The plane ride was nice and smooth and when I landed in Ontario, the weather was beautiful. Hubby picked me up and we drove the hour to Palm Springs. The ride was nice and we stopped in downtown Palm Springs at a place called Tylers. The majority of their seating was outdoors, reasonable prices and yummy food!
After lunch, we walked around downtown for a bit, then headed to find our hotel and the casino. Once we settled in at the hotel, we walked across the street to the casino. We picked up our tickets and headed to the Cascade Showroom to check out the venue. My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I saw how small it was! There were ~45 chairs set up on the dance floor for the VIP tickets and the rest were tables and chairs and maybe the place held 200 or so people, at the most. I could hardly wait until 7:30…
Around 6:00 we got in line for the show. It was pretty fun too, we met some really nice people while we were waiting. At 7:00 them came and took us to the outside patio for the meet and greet. We stood around for a little bit then lined up to meet the artists. First up was Pat Monahan. I think I actually stopped breathing when he walked by me. There he was! Oh. my. god.
After Pat walked by, he was followed by Matt Nathanson. Matt is a friend of ours but I haven’t actually seen him in a few years. I caught his eye as he was being escorted by and when he saw us, the look on his face was absolutely priceless! I’ll never forget, his mouth dropped open and you could see the wheels turning in his head trying to comprehend why we were standing here! It was a pretty awesome moment and it was so good to see him again!
The line to meet the artists moved pretty quickly and next thing I knew, it was our turn to meet Pat Monahan. I was holding two pictures that were given to us for him to autograph. I couldn’t even say anything. Hubby had to prompt me to ask him to sign the pictures. I think I stopped breathing again. We got our picture taken with him and all I could think was “he’s touching me”.
After I started breathing again, we went over and met Mandy Moore. Poor thing, she was running a little bit of a fever and you could tell she was under the weather. Even still, she let us take a picture with her. She was a lot taller than I thought she’d be.
We then went and hung out with Matt for a little bit. It was really cool watching people come up to meet him and ask for his autograph. I’m so proud of him.
The show was absolutely AWESOME! I can’t even begin to explain how great it was! We were less than 10 feet from the stage. How cool was that?! Matt was out first, followed by Emmerson Hart, Mandy Moore, and then Pat Monahan. The music was great, the fans were great, it was just a perfect day!
Matt Nathanson
Mandy Moore
Emmerson Hart of Tonic
And of course, Pat Monahan
About two weeks ago, I read a bulletin on my MySpace announcing a show in Palm Springs featuring Pat Monahan, Mandy Moore, Emmerson Hart (from Tonic), Dolores O’Riordan (from The Cranberries), and Matt Nathanson. Not only am I a HUGE Pat Monahan fan, but we’re friends with Matt Nathanson. How awesome was that?! And for only $60 it was a meet-and-greet! What?!?!? For $60 I can meet Pat Monahan?! Holy crap!
That following Saturday, I promptly got on the phone to get my tickets that went on sale at 8:00am. When I called though, they said they weren’t going on sale until 10:00. So of course I called back 2 minutes later to make sure. Then I started calling again at 10:00. They still didn’t have the box office open and they wanted to take my name and number and they would call me back. Huh? That’s when I think I started to sweat. I thought for sure I was going to miss out on the tickets. But sure enough, they called me back, and I was able to get 2 of the 45 VIP meet-and-greet tickets!!!
I left Saturday morning to meet hubby in Palm Springs. The plane ride was nice and smooth and when I landed in Ontario, the weather was beautiful. Hubby picked me up and we drove the hour to Palm Springs. The ride was nice and we stopped in downtown Palm Springs at a place called Tylers. The majority of their seating was outdoors, reasonable prices and yummy food!
After lunch, we walked around downtown for a bit, then headed to find our hotel and the casino. Once we settled in at the hotel, we walked across the street to the casino. We picked up our tickets and headed to the Cascade Showroom to check out the venue. My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I saw how small it was! There were ~45 chairs set up on the dance floor for the VIP tickets and the rest were tables and chairs and maybe the place held 200 or so people, at the most. I could hardly wait until 7:30…
Around 6:00 we got in line for the show. It was pretty fun too, we met some really nice people while we were waiting. At 7:00 them came and took us to the outside patio for the meet and greet. We stood around for a little bit then lined up to meet the artists. First up was Pat Monahan. I think I actually stopped breathing when he walked by me. There he was! Oh. my. god.
After Pat walked by, he was followed by Matt Nathanson. Matt is a friend of ours but I haven’t actually seen him in a few years. I caught his eye as he was being escorted by and when he saw us, the look on his face was absolutely priceless! I’ll never forget, his mouth dropped open and you could see the wheels turning in his head trying to comprehend why we were standing here! It was a pretty awesome moment and it was so good to see him again!
The line to meet the artists moved pretty quickly and next thing I knew, it was our turn to meet Pat Monahan. I was holding two pictures that were given to us for him to autograph. I couldn’t even say anything. Hubby had to prompt me to ask him to sign the pictures. I think I stopped breathing again. We got our picture taken with him and all I could think was “he’s touching me”.
After I started breathing again, we went over and met Mandy Moore. Poor thing, she was running a little bit of a fever and you could tell she was under the weather. Even still, she let us take a picture with her. She was a lot taller than I thought she’d be.
We then went and hung out with Matt for a little bit. It was really cool watching people come up to meet him and ask for his autograph. I’m so proud of him.
The show was absolutely AWESOME! I can’t even begin to explain how great it was! We were less than 10 feet from the stage. How cool was that?! Matt was out first, followed by Emmerson Hart, Mandy Moore, and then Pat Monahan. The music was great, the fans were great, it was just a perfect day!
Matt Nathanson
Mandy Moore
Emmerson Hart of Tonic
And of course, Pat Monahan
We had to get up at 4:30 the next morning to fly home, but it was so worth it.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
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