AA

I am an alcoholic. I've been an alcoholic since I can't even remember when. Probably somewhere around my senior year of high school. I remember that summer between Junior and Senior year, we used to drink every day. I don't even remember how we got the booze, but we did. A good friend of mine bet me that I couldn't go a week without drinking. So I did. I don't remember it being difficult, but I remember the fact that he thought I had a problem. I guess that should have been a sign for me 20 years ago.

I remember partying through senior year, going to class drunk. Cutting class to drink. And the worst, driving my friends around after I had been drinking. I can't even begin to thank God enough that I never killed anyone. I still shake my head at how stupid I was and what could have possibly happened.

Over the next 20 years, I pretty much drank off and on. I'd go through periods of not drinking. When I say periods of not drinking, I mean a week here or there. Booze has always been part of my life. Every weekend, we'd go down to the bar. Every weekend I'd get hammered. Every night at home during the week, I'd have at least a couple of beers.

I did quit for a while. I guess I shouldn't say I quit. I stopped for a while. For 10 months. While I was pregnant with little man. That was the easiest 10 months of my life. It was amazing how I didn't even want to drink. I had absolutely no desire for it at all. Although I did have a small glass of wine when I was about 7+ months pregnant. Hubby and I went out to dinner with a client of his. The client (who was an ass by the way), ordered a $250 bottle of wine. WTF?! At least we weren't paying for it. Hubby's company was. Nonetheless, I had a small glass so I could at least taste something so expensive. I don't even remember if it was good or not.

After little man was born, I drank a off and on. I don't remember it being a problem, I don't remember getting hammered every night. I do remember that I was drinking.

This last year has been the worst. Every night. Every night it was at least 3 or 4 beers, or most of a bottle of wine. Every. Day. Weekends were even worse. I'd start drinking around 3 in the afternoon until I passed out at night.

I promised I would stop drinking. I told Hubby that I would manage it. It would stop here. And I did. I went 34 days sober. And then I had a beer. And a glass of champagne. And a glass of wine. And another glass of wine. And another beer. All in the same night.

I stopped again for a couple weeks. Every day was hard. Every day I thought about drinking. It was all I could do to get through the day. I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to be the kind of person who could go out to dinner and have a glass of wine and leave it at that. Now I know I was just fooling myself. A normal person doesn't have to think like that. But the alcoholic in me keeps trying to rationalize why I should still drink. And to still keep making up excuses on why it's ok. And to keep looking for opportunities to drink.

I started drinking at home again. It started with a glass of wine. And I'd leave the bottle on the counter for a couple days and then have another glass. Hubby started traveling again. He would be gone for a few days, and the recycling would be getting picked up while he was gone. He wouldn't know I was drinking and he wouldn't see the empty bottles in the trash. And I made it ok. And I felt normal again. And I didn't have to fight the demons, I could just do what I wanted.

Unfortunately, now I need it again. I need to drink. I need to unwind. I need to relax. I need to drink to do that. I need to get sober. I need AA.

What began 20+ years ago, has now cumulated me to seek help. I thought I could quit on my own. I'm an alcoholic and I can't do it on my own. I went to my first meeting last night. And I'm going to another one tonight....